Tuesday, September 8, 2020

Reminiscing the Philippines



I loved summers in the Philippines. Tourists usually complain about the humidity and the mosquitoes because they're as big as my head (an exaggeration) and who wouldn't get annoyed getting constantly bit by those things, but I never 
minded all that.  


One of my most vivid memories was growing up in a chocolate-painted bungalow house in my hometown San Roque. 

My older sister, Dorie, made an indelible mark in my young heart one hot summer day. She was home from college and I remember she woke up vibrantly that day - her eyes gleaming with amusement and I knew right away that she was concocting something that my mother wouldn't approve of. 

I remember it like it was just yesterday. 

Dorie, soft-spoken as always and very articulate beguiled me into going with her to  rent bicycles (we didn't own any). We rode out of town so we could get a tan. Imagine that! Back then, I didn't want to get dark so bike riding at noon was utterly insane, but older siblings are usually very compelling. And so was she! To make it short I got conned into going

Without our parents knowing, we sneaked out of the house. Pedaling around town we were screaming with sheer joy sans worries. We pedaled for over three hours. We felt free as birds.  

Our mother, on the other hand, unbeknownst to us, was worried to death that we were going to get hit by jeepney drivers or that we would get too dark from the scorching sun as it was beating down our skins. Neither of our mother's worries bothered our young spirits. We pedaled and had the best time. We guffawed and hollered and never looked back.  

We rode back home at dusk. We were covered in sweat and we smelled of fumes and wild flowers. In one of our rides, we discovered a field of flowers and we always made sure we rode our bikes through that route.
As we rode back to San Roque, we used to stop by a little shack store along the road. The Filipino lady who owned it was always generous to us. She would offer us cold beverage to quench our thirst. My sister, having saved up her allowance for the week, used to buy us this sweet delicacy wrapped in banana leaves. It was scrumptious and it melted in our mouths while we kept pedaling home our bellies and hearts were full of contentment.

Those were memories I treasure in my heart.






Monday, July 6, 2020

Wilted

A distasteful stagnation creeps up on you. An unbearable emptiness thrums inside you. It does not let up. You wonder why the voracious need to crawl away from the world lingers. And deep in your heart you know that the fractious energy you used to have is gone. It melted a long time ago.

Now you feel like a candle ready to get blown out soon.

Day after day you rage and try to find your vigor, your willingness to laugh at silly little things, your vivacious inquisitiveness and your youth.You were hoping that they would rouse in you - the desire to deliciously consume life once again. Just like old times.

But the more you try, the harder it is for you to accomplish things.

You have to admit, you have now become a complete cliche in this godforsaken world.

Spooning

there is so much B E A U T Y
when flesh collide
on a soft midsummer night
heads sprawled on silk pillowcases
slant beating of hearts
resonating as one
the moon-shaped metaphors
of partially-owned urges
remains as a steady balm
palms tightly clasped
united endearingly
bodies wrapped around
fetal-like pose

then there is that
kiss bestowed at the nape of the neck

how can i not miss you?

Poetry in My Head

This craving that I almost always have - to mutter, to scream, to write, to bleed words is so strong, so intense, so insistent that I sometimes feel like I will explode if I let everything go by without scribbling down the wonderful things, the exquisite words or the stinging and biting rhetoric that I happen to hear or see in my everyday engagements.

My mind goes numb as I urticate trying to find the right consonants and vowels in my head. Yes, it is a constant struggle - gathering all the abbreviated thoughts I mean to write. But when everything has been written down, when all has been said and done, that's when I get to to sigh in utter contentment as I enjoy the god-like satisfaction of writing.

And silently, oh so silently, I listen to the exquisite sound of my thudding heart.

Thump... Thump... thump.

Tuesday, June 30, 2020

Of Octagons & Cockpit Arenas

For some women, Saturday is something to look forward to. It’s either because it’s their day with their girlfriends to go to brunch, indulge in some shopping or go to a vineyard for wine tasting.
For others, it’s date night – it’s the night she gets taken out by her partner for a great time – dinner, wine, music and swapping sotto voce sweet-nothings. Those are for the romantics of this era. I wish I was more of a romantic, but sadly, I am not.
I look forward to my Saturday night myself. However, for me, it is all about blood, punches, arm bars, kimuras, submissions and knockouts. It’s even more thrilling when it is a complete bloodbath. There’s the loud yelling and screaming and jumping off the couch all night long, hurling obscenities at the television like it had done something horrible to me. Sometimes I worry that my neighbors would call the cops on me. So, yes, Saturday night is UFC night in my household. That’s my thing. Best therapy ever. I mean, second to running.
It was year 2016 when I got introduced to the sports of mixed martial arts (MMA).
I was deployed and there was nothing else to do in the middle of the ocean except go to the gym after working hours or watch TV (everybody was glued watching whatever half-interesting channel they had it on).
One time I was late going to bed because I was surfing the net when I happened to glance at the one-eyed-god in the middle of the office. There were these two robust, half-naked men on TV, grappling around, punching each other, their faces were badly bruised and covered in blood. The shorter guy’s left leg was swollen and looked purple. He was trying to hide his limp, I guess for fear that his opponent would keep on attacking that part of his body. The taller guy had his eye almost shut, blood oozing out profusely while he was being hit incessantly by the short, stockier man. It was brutal. A slugfest! And as violent as it was, I was in awe of it all. I stood there, watching this madness – eyes twinkling like I just discovered the Candy factory; my mouth agape. I watched 4 more fights after. And from that night on, I was hooked! I would wake up at 4AM to catch fight nights on TV (while everybody else was playing bingo). That was my introduction to Connor McGregor, The Notorious. And that’s how I became the biggest UFC fanatic.
One of my friends, after watching the Poirier and Hooker fight, asked me as to what got me into this fascination with all things mixed martial arts. Why is it that I am not squeamish watching guys being beat to a bloody pulp - blood all over the octagon, broken noses, head and chin cuts, gouged eyes, what have you. What gives? And I had to think why indeed?
I had an aha moment! It goes back to my childhood years.
And here goes…
Have you heard of cockfighting? If you haven’t, well, you are missing something different in your life especially if you are from the Philippines.
Cockfighting is a blood sport between two roosters trained to fight to the death. With blades affixed to their talons they are coaxed and encouraged to aggressively attack each other in the middle of the cockpit. The spectators place bets between the two and they would fight until one of them dies or is critically injured. Yes, it is cruel and frowned upon, but back in the Philippines, cockfighting is legal and a way of life. It is an addiction to some, an all-time high for many.
At the risk of being ostracized by most of you, I have to tell you that my dad was a cockfighting aficionado. He frequented the town’s cockpit and he eventually owned his own roosters for fighting. He trained and groomed them attentively like an authentic rooster-raiser– he put time, money and effort into all of them. At one point in time, I was tremendously jealous of his roosters because I thought they were well-provided compared to us. After all, our national hero Jose Rizal, once pointed out that the typical Filipino loves his rooster more than he does his children. Touché, Dr.
On early mornings, I would see my dad across our house, under the shade of a big tree, surrounded by his cockfighting buddies, squatting awkwardly, cradling one of his best roosters; his mouth was moving rapidly, swishing water around like he’s trying to dislodge food between his teeth. After a few seconds, he would blow water on the rooster’s face. It looked like rain coming down on the poor bastard’s face. Up to this day, I still don’t understand the reasoning behind that entire exhibition. What was that for? Did it make the rooster a better fighter? I never found out. I never asked.
When my dad was at the peak of his cockfighting addiction, I asked him if I could go with him and make a few pesos by selling snacks to the spectators at the cockpit arena. He thought of it for a moment then gave me his permission. I was twelve at the time. And boy was I about to have the most unconventional and thrilling experience as a kid.
I tagged along with him that Sunday afternoon. My mom was not too happy about it, but I was convincing.
It was hot as hell outside. Wearing stone washed denim shorts, cropped white shirt and a red ball cap I borrowed from my older brother, I could feel sweat trickling down my back. We walked from the house to the cockpit. It was about 5 kilometers. My feet were dirty and covered with sand. I was soaked to the bone that I had to take off my ball cap so I could use it to fan myself to cool down. When we arrived at the arena, I sat next to my dad for a few minutes trying to have a feel of everything around me. My heart was thumping and it felt like it was about to burst out of my chest. At the same time, I was beaming with energy and curiosity. I was excited, nervous, thrilled, scared, and anxious. I had all kinds of emotions simultaneously roaring inside, ready to explode any minute. I surreptitiously looked at my dad and he must have sensed it because even though he was knee deep in cockfighting euphoria, he slightly turned around and smiled at me like he understood how I was feeling. He squeezed my hand then told me to start walking around so I could make money. I smiled back at him and went my own way.
My hands were wrapped around a long cardboard box containing of all kinds of goodies – candies, peanuts, crackers, chips, gum and cigarettes. Oh, and boiled eggs, not the infamous “balut”, for god’s sake!
The whole cockpit was roaring with excitement as it was announced that the fights were getting started soon. It kept getting louder and louder until I thought I couldn’t hear my own thoughts anymore. It was a symphony of clamoring voices overlapping against the theatrical and wild crowing of the roosters lined up outside the arena – waiting for their turn to dazzle everybody. I wondered if the roosters were scared. There was no telling. The saying “The eyes are the windows to the soul” does not work on roosters. Theirs were vacant.
I wasn’t sure how those men and women in the cockpit understood the betting. I couldn’t hear a thing. It was total pandemonium. I guess that’s the reason why there were a lot of hand signals going around. Apparently, the directions of the fingers signal different denominations. They all understood what the signals meant. Upward, downward, horizontal, etcetera. It was like doing the Macarena (which didn’t exist then!).
That day, I made 16 pesos. My dad made about a few hundreds. His rooster won! We jovially went home with the quick payoff including the opponent’s dead rooster – a celebratory dish my mom cooked for dinner. The table was filled with stories of the fight and how it went down – my dad was bragging about his rooster’s winning prowess.
I went to bed that night feeling older. I felt like I genuinely connected with my father, thanks to cockfighting.
I went to a few more fights after that Sunday. I even went without my dad. I was with another young vendor who used to live next to us. I sold more snacks and cigarettes and made made more money. I watched the fights under a bench where I was perched comfortably and it was still entertaining, but it wasn’t the same experience as the first time I had set foot in that cockpit and I reckon it was because I was with my father that very first time. That made it utterly special.
So, yes, that is my take on why I am so fascinated with cage-fighting sports.
It all goes back to that hot summer of ’87.
That’s when it all began.

Tuesday, June 2, 2020

Moonstruck

There is nothing more beautiful on a quiet night than watching the yellow moon, round and low, as it untangles itself, silently, uncomplicatedly, from the branches of a tree. Caught by the succulent glow of the night, by an upsurge of roaring joy, you pause as you fill your lungs with the exhilarating cool, crisp air. The city sleeps in utter silence. Tonight especially it is so poignant it brings a spasm of swooning seductiveness to your sated heart.

My 50-State Half Marathon Challenge

One day I woke up feeling like I am finally ready to conquer the world. And all of a sudden I felt like I could have Lydia de Vega's (if you are Filipino, you would know who she is) endurance. So I decided to pursue what I had been dreaming of for a long time... Ladies and gents, this goes to the very top of my bucket list and that is to run half marathons in all 50 states. Yep, it's the mother lode of all. Well, at least for runners out there.
I know, I know. It's not going to be easy. It’ll take me a while, but I promise you I will get this done before I turn 50. I have 5 solid years to get this challenge done. With the help of the running gods (yes, I believe there are a few of them), I will accomplish this. 
It’s not going to be easy. It’ll cost me money, time, dedication, a whole lot of planning and plenty of training to run the 50 states. I will encounter difficulties along the way and I am preparing myself for that. I know I will get this done though. Listen, at one point in time, my feet might give in, but I assure you my heart won’t. I will crawl if I have to.
As I write this, I have already signed up for my first half marathon for this challenge. My journey will start in May of 2020. I am excited beyond belief!
Friends, follow me and see how I am doing with this bucket list of mine. Plus, I need me some cheering on as well because this is something that I have envisioned to do over the years and by god I am not going to fail. I will make this happen and I will have 50 medals (in addition to the 38 that I already have) before I turn 50. That is what drives me to get this into fruition - the bling. If you know me, you know then that I collect running medals. So yeah...
 💪 🏅 🍺 ❤
#BUCKETLIST#1



CLAUSTROPHOBIA

When I die, I do not want to be buried for my panicked, living flesh retches at its sentimentality. I shudder imagining myself trapped in a desperate box; dark-carved wood - solid as hell;  arms rigid not wanting to budge even for a second, not even to claw the forest floor; worms feasting on my rancid lips;  plump maggots clawing inward; sand burying my fingers; water seeping in lightly tickling my feet; my heart all deaf to the howling of the tilted moon.

Here, now, in the middle of the night, a cobbled thought was born: I do not want to be buried in this godforsaken land. I'd rather burn; digested by fire; ashes scattered all over the seven seas under that awning they call the sky; where I would feel free; thin as air, liberated; uncorked; not dreadfully trapped.

All along my back, the apiary numbness gone.
Dear Friend,
What can I say? You are right about that salutation. It makes a letter endearing, charming, soulful. Very intriguing. Very Shakespearean even.
Dear Friend. Yes. The sound of it brings a very delightful evocation. I think it is archaic for some people, but what do we care, really. I love letters that dazzle. I guess that is one of the reasons why we are drawn to each other as friends - because we both have the desire to get caught unawares by something that is exquisite. Words - connected words, in this case. I was not kidding when I told you your letter brought tears to my eyes. I woke up feeling a tad bummed out because I had to go to work that morning, but all that black cloud was lifted and completely forgotten after I read your charming letter.
Here is a confession - I felt like a kid again after I read your work. I was propelled back in time when I was nine years old and frenziedly swapping letters with the oh-so-popular girls from other schools. Tsk, that was something! But this one is way up there - a repeat (but this is an octave higher) of that exciting (for a nine-year old that was exciting) stage.For hours, I had this biting impulse to write you back right then and there. But I had to pause. I needed an elongated comma. I had to breathe. Gasp for air. And breathe some more.Writing you back without marinating on my thoughts would have been an error. No, I needed that lull to get to weave something that would tell you more how I appreciate YOU and your friendship. You do not rush something special.♥ There is a word. A word I am searching for. A word within my grasp... something at the tip of my tongue. INSPIRED. I guess that's the word I am looking for. Your letter inspired me. Made me want to write again. Memories of notes stashed away in coat pockets made me dig through stuff all afternoon. I went through closets and drawers and lockers in search of half forgotten notes and paragraphs scribbled on old wrinkled papers. I have hidden them over the years. Once you fall in love with words, no matter how busy your life gets, you will always go back to it. More in love than ever. It was balm to the soul - your adorable letter. The raindrops pattering down the window next to my desk made the reading of your letter a tad dramatic, but I love drama when it has something to do with letters and heavenly words and divine friends.You are that divine friend. Just like you, I look forward to meeting you in person.
We'll talk about things. Anything under the sun. No pretensions, no doubts, no uncertainties.Just breathed assurances of a beginning of a newfound friendship. Just you and me and our stories. Great & bad ones. A beautiful conversation. At point-blank range. Over a cup of coffee or snatched lunch.I feel a certain excitement !
How's that, dear friend?

Breaking the Silence

  I have spent years swallowing lies Fed to me by you. So I took it— Without asking why, who, or how. Thirteen years. Thirteen years of livi...